Greatest Hits

Superman's Penis

Through some highly secret Internet weaponry*, I have discovered what people are looking for when they stumble upon A Doggy's Life. Some of the combinations are funny, some inter- esting. But a few, my friends, are sad.

Right now, you can hit my blog on the first page of almost any Google or Yahoo search having to do with margarine molecules. Some folks are good Googlers and hit me while looking for margarine molecular structure and "margarine one molecule away." This e-mail must be making the rounds again.

I get dozens of hits for dogs names! Who'd have thought people would have such trouble naming a pet? Of course, my essay, beautiful as it was (Kathy said, "This entry rawks"), would be of no help to them. They are probably looking for a list that includes Fido, Fifi, Pepe, Fluffy, and Bob.

Just this moment, someone in Belgium got me in a google search for smelling paints. I can tell you for certain: that seeker left disappointed.

Can you believe someone looked for empathic neurons?

I am always an early hit in a Steven Oken search. That fucker must be in the news lately because four visitors in the last two weeks have come for him.

One person last week searched for "no joy in Mudville," and I was torn between being tickled that someone had heard the phrase and annoyed that he probably didn't know its origin.

So many people are looking for Thee Katatonix these days--from all over the country; I must have had seven visitors in the past two weeks. Since my good friends were the guitarist and bassist, I'd know if something important were happening. (Wouldn't I?)

Five people in the same week from all over the country found me through a search for "Dave Matthews" "saddest song" or Mikey Carson. Were they all looking for "Gravedigger" lyrics? I found a forum on which folks debated whether the people mentioned in "Gravedigger" were real; I think that's what the Mikey Carson searcher wanted to know.

Three people seem as desperate as I to buy back their own nostalgia, or else the Larry Lion toy is worth oodles of money.

Got a hit for fetishism bondage gothic once. Eek!

But my favorite hit is Superman's penis. Who else would be interested in this sort of thing? Apparently there are three MFs out there as sick as I.

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*Not the same Interenet weaponry that is able to track your e-mails to send you rebate checks from The Gap, Old Navy, and Microsoft.